Gazetteer: Saxe-Coburn

The Grand Duchy of Saxe-Coburn und Buchholz is a confederation of nine German-speaking minor nation states. Prior to 1734 the duchies of Saxe-Coburn and Buchholz were separate entities until a marriage between Herzog Mikhail Johann von Hollerenschaut IV of Pfefferburg and Herzogin Genoveva Annalisa Elizabetha of Groß Büste led to the formation of a single confederation, albeit a loose one.

Saxe-Coburn in the North is composed of Wenig Vulgaria, Ober Kraftwerk, Kelptomania and Raketenschiff. Originally a satellite state of Austria, Saxe-Coburn has a Germanic background with Spanish influences.

Wenig Vulgaria

Wenig Vulgaria has a reputation for its wine and women, both of which are preferred “full bodied” by the locals.

Fortifications: Vulgarburg
Major population centre(s): Mönster Trücke (pop. 198,000)
Minor population centre(s): Groß Büste (pop. 42,000)

Gustave Caroline von Stumper
The Vulgarburg
The Vulgarburg stands guard over the border between Wenig Vuglaria and Krashdipezantsk, a stark reminder that war is never far away. Known throughout the region as a squat, imposing and dominating edifice Gustave Caroline von Stumper stands in the path of would be invaders alongside her husband the garrison commander, whose name nobody knows. The fort isn’t much to look at either.

Mönster Trücke
Home of the bi-annual draft horse racing championships, Mönster Trücke is the centre of the universe for “hay-heads” across the duchy. Every two years they flock to the town in droves to see large, stupid animals drag heavy loads slowly across a muddy paddock. The ale flows, the bands play and occasionally someone reaches the finish line. The highlight is the funny carts, their ridiculously oversized wheels and outlandish suspension thrilling children and adults alike as they career madly about, crushing smaller carts without so much as slowing down.

Genoveva Annalisa Elizabetha
Groß Büste
“Bigger is better” is how the saying goes in Groß Büste, at least as far as the male half of the population is concerned. The women of the town are known the world over for being well endowed. So much in fact that for generations almost no member of the female gender has seen her own feet without the aid of several mirrors, paper and pencil and some serious geometry. In recent times, though, a veritable "china doll" has wowed the populace. In a fairy tale romance, Genoveva Annalisa Elizabetha won the heart of Herzog Johann, charming him with her wit and amazing all and sundry by being able to fit into a 14D without the need of pulleys or draft animals.

Ober Kraftwerk

The “bread-basket” of Saxe-Coburn und Buchholz, Ober Kraftwerk is famous for its food exports, primarily pork and potatoes.

Fortifications: Kraftwerkburg a.k.a. Krak des Kraftwerk
Major population centre(s): Alt Weißes Fleisch (pop. 186,000)
Minor population centre(s): Saxe-Kartoffel (pop. 28,000)

The Kraftwerkburg
The strongest and most impressively bastioned fortress in all Saxe-Coburn and Buchholz was designed and built by the noted French engineer August de Vauban (yes, “those” Vaubans). Unfortunately the surveyor for the fortress was a distant cousin of Herr Grüber, noted “cartographer”, and it was built facing the wrong way. In the wrong valley. The new fortress is much less imposing but at least you can see the enemy coming which is good start. The governor tells visitors the fortress was designed by Vauban anyway and will continue to do so until the great man finds out what is going on and has him demiluned. Or whatever it is that French engineers do to people they don’t like anyway…

Care to try a Margravine Sophia sir? Please?
Very common as you'd know and they smell awful
but they do make great mash so I'm told...
Potatoes, potato farms and potato carts as far as the eye can see. If all you ever talked about, planted, grew, picked and sold was potatoes you’d want something else to eat. Anything else in fact. Consequently, the local dish is made with beets. Roasted, on a bed of mashed potatoes unfortunately. Still, at least you can get a decent drop of vodka. Oh…

Alt Weißes Fleisch
Some say pork tastes like a certain other white meat and they don’t mean chicken. If someone in Alt Weißes Fleisch offers you “Soilent Grün” it’s probably best to decline. Not necessarily because it isn’t pork, more so because it’s invariably served on a bed of mashed potatoes. With beets. And vodka.


The most relaxed of the provinces, the inhabitants are known for their preference for a quiet, relaxed lifestyle. Some say too relaxed, especially the legal system which has a very novel approach to the idea of ownership.

Major population centre(s): Dumm Klütz (pop. 100,000)
Minor population centre(s): Prözac am See (pop. 30,000)

Dumm Klütz
There’s a saying in Kleptomania that if something hasn’t been stolen yet that’s only because everybody is too busy stealing something else. In the capital Dumm Klütz the level of theft is at an all-time high ever since Kommandant Klink (no relation) nipped out to pinch a bite to eat and came back to find the gaol, courthouse and most of the local constabulary missing without trace. Anywhere else he’d be regarded as stupid. In Dumm Klütz he brings the average IQ up.

Prözac am See
Prözac am See, the happiest village in all the grand duchy and home to the pharmaceutical industry. One of the dubious “benefits” of living in the area is free access to medical care provided you are willing to sign a waiver. Nobody has ever managed to read the entire document due to its enormous length and impenetrable legal jargon but then nobody cares much after their first visit to the clinic anyway, even when the staff insist on calling you “Subject X”.


Home of the National Institute for the Sciences, Raketenschiff is known for its forward thinkers, typically identified by the catch-cry “Treten Sie zurück! Ich werde Wissenschaft versuchen!”

Major population centre(s): Klaatü (pop. 92,000)
Minor population centre(s): Gört (pop. 20,000)

Informed debate in progress
The provincial capital of Klaatü is the site of the National Institute for the Sciences, the centre of what passes for learning in the Grand Duchy. Nobody from Klaatü has ever won a Nobel prize. Nobody from Klaatü is ever likely to do so either.

Gört is a small town known for its toy-making skills and in particular its line of mechanical men, known colloquially as “Görtomata”. Every child covets a shiny, metallic clockwork companion from Gört. The more militaristic imagine themselves at the head of an army of death dealing droids, marching relentlessly North to teach those heathens in Velikye Byelgorodniya a lesson they won’t forget.

1 comment:

  1. Perhaps a trade delegation between the inhabitants of Kholodnyy-Borscht and Saxe-Kartoffel could be arranged, despite the impending hostilities?

    The mayor of Kholodnyy-Borscht saw the word 'beets' and became overexcited at the thought of other beetroot fans over the border.